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Rubric

A milkshake can only earn a maximum of 17 points. Below is breakdown of the possible points.

Color

No one likes a pale-ass milkshake.

1 – Sound
0.5 – Nearly correct and attractive
0 – Slightly off

Bouquet

Because who the fuck isn't smelling their milkshake?

1 - pronounced and developed
0.5 – clean, pleasant, scented, delicate
0 – simple, underdeveloped and elusive

Sweetness

Ohhhhhwoah, sweet child of mine.

2 – Balanced AF
1 – A little too sweet
0 – Syrupy, cloying

Body/Texture

Don't even try that Dairy Queen upside-down test.

2-Velvety
1.5 – Smooth, even, pleasant
1 – Thin or Heavy, Uneven, Awkward
0.5 – Clumsy, and heimlich-bringing

Flavor/Taste

Flava Flavvvv.

6 – Complex and Mature
5 – Layered, Robust
4 – Refined, Cordial
3 – Agreeable, Clean
2 – Simple, One-note
1 – Uninspired, lacking

Finish

1 – Long-lasting
0.5 – Tapering, medium length
0 – Short, harsh

Quality

Bitch better have my money.

4 – Noble, elegant, distinguished
3 – Charming, stylish, graceful
2 – Sound, average
1 – U amateur, u worthless

Reviews

From worst to best, here they are. The maximum score a milkshake can earn is 17 points. And none these bitches were graded on a curve.

Hi-C Fruit Punch

Score: 5/17

Peach

Score: 5/17

Double Chocolate

Score: 6/17

Caramel

Score: 8/17

Chocolate Cherry

Score: 8/17

M&M's

Score: 8/17

Pineapple

Score: 9/17

Vanilla

Score: 9/17

Cherry Cheesecake

Score: 9.5/17

Heath Toffee

Score: 9.5/17

Hershey's Chocolate

Score: 9.5/17

Banana Berry

Score: 10/17

Peach Cobbler

Score: 10/17

Caramel Fudge

Score: 10.5/17

Cappuchino

Score: 10.5/17

Chocolate Cobbler

Score: 11/17

Strawberry Cheesecake

Score: 11/17

Watermelon

Score: 11/17

Snicker's

Score: 11.5/17

Blueberry Cheesecake

Score: 11.5/17

Chocolate Nut

Score: 11.5/17

Butterfinger

Score: 12/17

Red Cherry

Score: 12/17

Orange Push Pop

Score: 12/17

Strawberry

Score: 12/17

Banana Fudge

Score: 12.5/17

Cherry Cobbler

Score: 13/17

Banana Pineapple

Score: 13/17

Chocolate Malt

Score: 13/17

Oreo

Score: 13/17

Egg Nog

Score: 13/17

Banana

Score: 13.5/17

Caramel Cheesecake

Score: 13.5/17

Banana Nut

Score: 14/17

Fresh Peanut Butter

Score: 14/17

Chocolate Chip Mint

Score: 15/17

Mocha

Score: 15/17

Walnut

Score: 15/17

Chocolate Chip Cheesecake

Score: 15/17

Oreo Mint

Score: 15.5/17

Banana Pudding

Score: 15.5/17

Banana Peanut Butter

Score: 15.5/17

Peanut Butter Fudge

Score: 15.5/17

Pumpkin Pie

Score: 15.5/17

Blueberry

Score: 16/17

Reese's Cup

Score: 16.5/17

An Ode to Cook Out

It’s the hot glow of electric freedom. It’s a blazing sentry of liberty. It’s the neon sign across the street that reads COOK OUT — and those are tears in your eyes.

To dine at Cook Out is to be presented a dazzling, dizzying array of choices. There are endless meal combinations — including the option to order a quesadilla or chicken wrap as a side — because this truly is the land of the free, the home of the tray.

Then there are the milkshakes. The menu advertises 40+ flavors, from vanilla to eggnog. You’ll count 44 possibilities on the menu board, but the seasoned patron knows that the number is actually much larger than that. A new flavor like Butterfinger pops up now and again, and there are murmurs of secret shakes. This is also the place where dreams come true. If you want to combine flavors and order say, a Blueberry M&M shake, you just go ahead and follow your bliss. No one is here to judge. This Mother Church of grease and gluttony accepts all comers.

Cook Out bills its milkshakes as “fancy,” and a truer word has never been spoken. Though Cook Out is a no-frills institution where meals are best enjoyed on a curb or on the hood of a car, the core tenet that drives Cook Out is this: View the world not for what it is, but for what it has the potential of becoming. You see a shake as ice cream and syrup blended in a Styrofoam cup. We see sugary manna from heaven.

Trying to explain Cook Out to someone who isn’t from the South is like trying to explain the sky’s infinite stars to someone who only knows the sun. In many ways, the beautiful experience of eating at Cook Out transcends words, but it’s worth trying. Just like every shake on the menu.

It’s fair to say there were shakes we didn’t like, but we don’t regret a single spoonful. Eating every Cook Out milkshake on the menu over the course of one summer was an emotional, physically taxing, lactose-laden, existential journey. And one we’d do all over again. Bless up.

How We Did It

1. We wanted to have as few variables in this experiment as possible to produce the most accurate results. We went to a single, undisclosed Cook Out location in the restaurant’s flagship state: North Carolina. This ensured a consistent product as shakes were made with the same hands. All shakes were eaten over the course of one summer.

2. Shakes were always eaten with a spoon, never with a straw.

3. Time and weather permitting, we ate our shakes on the curb outside of a nearby 24-hour gym, regretted nothing, and laughed at people doing squats inside.

4. Shakes were ranked for their individual worth. Even if we had tried a flavor before, our previous experiences with that shake were not to influence its ranking.

5. We didn’t look at the calorie count or nutritional information until after the project was over. We each ran 20+ miles a week to (nearly) offset the harm we were doing to our bodies.

"A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked." – Mark 14:51